The Ups and Downs of Year 22

As always, it's been a while since my presence has been known on my blog. I suppose that means that God has been keeping me busy and that big changes are happening in my life. Each day that goes by this year, I feel significantly different. I also feel significantly in less control, with the reassurance that God is in more control of my life than I could ever be. At the same time, I realize that this very position of thought and being in my personal faith brings out very real insecurities that need to be squashed. Insecurities which place me in the thought pattern of being the victim. Mostly, my frailty comes from the root of being afraid to get hurt or allowing someone to manipulate me so that I trust them enough.In which case, I get hurt because I let myself down, I let myself fall into their trap. At times, I'm still weary of people's motives under the surface of what they appear to be saying or doing. This even encroaches upon relationships with people I dearly trust. All of this comes from my past history, which pops up here and there in my life when I don't expect it to. Sometimes we don't realize the sap-like residue of years past is still being stripped away from us. Perhaps restoration takes longer than I even thought. Although, I would have to say that I'm learning to take a stand for myself, to cut the ties when I see the warning sign. I don't deserve to be surrounded in a fish bowl of fear or victimization. I don't believe Jesus would promote that for my life. His life, death, and resurrection speak of freedom from all things that plague our hearts, minds and spirits due to our feeble sin nature as humans. He conquered Satan, as well as all the lies he tells. Amongst all of these realizations for myself is the nearing tangible knowledge of my humanity and how its vices require my humility. When I am least confident in my own ability that is when God becomes most confident and evident in my ability.

In the past few months, I have experienced varying degrees of depression. At my lowest point, I couldn't eat/had no appetite, no desire for things I have a passion for or even to look at them, a severe feeling of emotional exhaustion and utter sadness. One moment I could've been smiling, the next crying for no reason. In all of it, I had to remind myself that feelings are truly deceiving. What I was experiencing had its validity, but it did not have enough validity to merit control over my life. I've learned this year that I cannot be ashamed of what I am going through in my life. People will respond how they want to, but the important part is that I air everything out. It's not as important to them as it is my personal responsibility to do so. This process releases the burden. It reaches out to others. The reason why people feel so alone in desperate times is because they never come to full actualization (make what they are feeling real, acting upon it, and being realistic). This means that they never actualize themselves with others either, they wither on their own, hoping that someone will notice or read their minds. I don't think that the Christian community does enough sometimes to welcome the atmosphere of healing in vulnerability (within reasonable boundaries) to the hurting. Maybe we have a fear of what power it may provoke? Maybe we are afraid of what we may see in ourselves because of it? If that is the case, what are we afraid to expose that God doesn't already know?

I'm not exactly sure how to finish this off but to say that if there is one thing that I have learned to never doubt nor let the knowledge escape from me that God is ever-present and near in my life. He is my "right-hand man" (no pun intended). Which, is why Psalm 139 is very intimate and interactive in my daily life. My prayer is that my words have touched you in some way. May He keep you and bless you.

Sincerely,
Natalie M. Steele