If We Are Not a Couple and Not JUST Friends...What Are WE?! (revised)

For this blog (and a series), I’m going to continue with my courtship slanted theme. As you might have noticed, boymeetsgirl by Joshua Harris, has had quite an influence on me most recently. I have made so many horrible mistakes in past relationships because I was so TOTALLY confused on the Christian perspective of dating and courtship [YES, there is a difference!]. The world at times clouds the clarity that Christ gives us, due to our ill knowledge of the real truth. Some might argue that this is an unfair statement, but when an individual grows up in such a climate that sexual sins are acceptable, what then is normal? These were the kind of questions that I started searcing for. As I reach my new decade in life, and as I start longing for the man of God's design, I increasingly also desire to know the heart of God when it comes to courtship. When the next time comes around, I want to be fulfilled by God first and know his will for me. I want to get it right, or at least say I did it honourably. With this, I’m going to leave you with a series of excerpts from boymeetsgirl by Joshua Harris (I recommend this book to everyone! It was a surprising help!), starting with Chapter 5, More Than Friends, Less Than Lovers.

Chapter 5
More Than Friends, Less Than Lovers

Correct Definitions

An important question to ask yourself before you begin seeking God's purpose for marriage is; what does a successful courtship mean? Most often, societal influences dictate that a successful courtship results in engagement and a happy wedding. Looking closer, this is a nonsensical notion.

Ideally, engagement is a good thing. Unfortunately, couples today often base their engagement entirely on emotions or fleeting passion, rather than on realistic facts and God-given foresight. Therefore, a courtship that results in a foolish engagement cannot be considered a success! Neither can a courtship that was filthy with haughtyness, devious management, and sexual sin be named a success, even if resulting in a happy engagement. If this is so, than how can a couples marriage improve without God's blessing in the beginning? This is a strong concern from the early stages of courtship through engagement to marriage.

Blossoming and Protecting

It is evident that our definition of success in courtship needs to be clarified. If engagement if not our final goal, what should be?

According to Joshua Harris, two central priorities must be established in a God-worshipping, carefully-guided courtship. "The first is to treat each other with holiness and sincerity; the second is to make an informed and wise decision about marriage. In courtship our goals should be to grow and guard. We want to grow closer so we can truly know each other’s character, but we also want to guard each other’s heart because the outcome of our relationship is still unknown. "

From the start of a courtship, each individual is uncertain of marriage. Part of this decision is made by spending time together, discovering interaction with each other, and observing one another's character. This is the meaning of growing closer without need for physically intimate interaction. Saying this, the motivating factor for treating each other with integrity should be the knowledge that the future is unknown, and in whatever circumstance, the outcome should be positive when reflected upon. If all parties were honored and treated well, regret will not be needed. Second Corinthians 1:12 is an example of what every Christian couple should be able to apply to the end of their courtship.

Now this is our boast: Our conscience testifies that we have conducted ourselves in the world, and especially in our relations with you, in the holiness and sincerity that are from God. We have done so not according to worldly wisdom but according to God’s grace.

Rather than defining engagement as the outcome of courtship, our ambition should be to treat each other with integrity, make the correct decision about marriage, and have peace about our behaviour. Harris reflects:

My Friend Leonard, a single man in his thirties was disappointed when Rita broke off their courtship. But because he had acted appropriately towards her, he had the peace that comes with clear conscience.

"Sure my pride was hurt,' Leonard says. "I asked myself ‘Why?’ and ‘What went wrong?’ many times. But consider our courtship a success because I was able to walk away from it praising God that I had served and honoured my sister in Christ. I treated her with the respect a child of God deserves. To the best of my ability, my motives, thought, words, and actions were in the right place.” (Harris, pg 84)

High Wire Act

The upkeep of priorities of blossoming and protecting make courtship a high-wire act. One move could with positively or negatively affect the courtship. Considering marriage is the sharp purpose of courtship, but one must resist the idea of expecting the outcome as marriage.

It reminds me of a high-wire circus act. Have you ever watched a performer traverse a wire a hundred feet in the air? If you have, you know that the secret to their safety is the balancing pole they carry. Holding it horizontally with both hands keeps the performer from losing balance and falling off the wire. (Harris, pg.84)

Courtship is a fine balnce between friendship and marriage. The two priorities, mentioned earlier by Harris, are at each end of the balancing pole. Each individual must help each other as a team to keep the pole in the middle, equal in balance. If this is done, two different scenarios will be prevented; 1) Too guarded--> stunted growth in relationship, 2) Too close, too fast --> emotional injury or foolish choices in the future.

There is a healthy tension you should desire to maintain. If marriage is in God's will for you, you won't need to protect your hearts -- you will be placed in each other's complete possession. There is no doubt that this time in your relationship will be greatly cherished, exhilarating, and blessed by God. BUT remember, the knowledge that God's will for your relationship is marriage, does not mean that all caution be thrown to the wind! In whatever circumstance in our lives, God requires integrity, NO EXCEPTIONS!

Harris (pg. 85) Quotes:

"I’ll never forget Valentine’s Day during my courtship with Shannon. How wonderfully awkward it was! On the holiday for lovers, I wasen’t sure how to address her. She was my friend, but then we were more than friends. So we were more than friends, but not quite lovers. I felt like I was back in the seventh grade agonizing over the meaning of the words on valentines! In a card I spent hours writing I asked, 'How do you guard a girl’s heart while attempting to tell her how special she is? Can you give her a rose as you thank her for her friendship?'

My questions captured the healthy tension of courtship. Can you give her a rose as you thank her for her friendship? It sounds funny, but I think you can. It’s part of the process of letting romance blossom slowly under a watchful eye of prudence and self-control. You’re more than friends, so you can determine whether you should join your lives in marriage, but you’re also less than loves – your hearts and bodies don’t yet belong to each other. "

Sit back and relax. Don't bussle through. Don't detest or hustle the middle time of courtship, even though you often feel the nagging tension. Instead, treasure the season. Balancing the necessity to blossom and protect during courtship is a fulfilling part of hiking towards "marriage wisely and with holiness and sincerity." (Harris, pg. 85)

For courtship to be a loud success and a joy, we need to blossom and protect in three areas: friendship, fellowship, and romance. Next, let's look at the healthy balance of each.

To Be Continued….Next Blog Up!

Note: Chapter 5 of boymeetsgirl by Joshua Harris, has been adapted to suit the writer of this article. All other direct mentions of boymeetsgirl have been referenced to the original writer, Joshua Harris.

Note: All published blogs by Natalie M. Steele are protected