*Friendship*
The single and most impacting thing on your courtship is cementing your friendship. This is one common ground that needs no pressure to spark romantic feelings or to immediately figure out compatability for marriage. As your friendship develops, so will the other details.
Deepening in friendship means much learning about eachother through conversation and behaviour. It also means enjoying one another's company in quality and realistic settings.
At first, do not concentrate on all the specific details for "perfect" dates. Allow for settings and activities that encourage enjoyment of eachother, good conversation, and to relax. Also, share the various parts of your life from the every-day task to the exciting events. Experiencing the opportunity to serve together in various settings can be a positive eye-opener to each other's character.
The purpose of involving each individual in their own natural environments is to show an accurate depiction of the "real you." In courtship, inclusion in each partners world is important to create a sense of community between them and those who support each individual. Later on in the courtship, community will become an important part of accountability.
Protecting each other's hearts during the period of "friendship" means securing that it has good pace, focus, and space.
1) Pace
Don't rush building a good foundation. Becoming best friends in the first week may not be the best idea. Let nature take its time and ensure continual investment to be nurtured. Don't hurry or squeeze your way into each other's lives.
2) Focus
Be careful not to focus your energy on intimacy and emotional dependence. These are premature until the yellow light turns full on green. For now, just get to know eachother. In the first steps of courtship, involve yourselves in activites that do not concentrate on being a couple. Guard your conversations against talking about the relationship. Instead, talk to God about it. Seek to learn about the each other. Do not promise more intimacy than what has been rightfully given. Focuses will shift on their own as the climate of the courtship changes. Access to each other's hearts will be given as commitment and confidences deepen.
3) Space
At the start of your courtship be committed to not allowing you relationship to crowd other relationships with friends and family. Be careful not to become threatened by other relationships that the other person has. The degree of your of your exclusiveness in the early stages of courtship will predict if your dependency is more than what is wise at the time. Remain faithful to your commitments, friends and family. Progressively as the relationship continues, avenues will be made to spend more time together. Travel cauticiously!
*Fellowship*
As you discover what your relationship holds, it is important to ensure that it has a firm spiritual foundation. The defining common passion in your relationship should be God. A firm spiritual foundation found in God will outstand the test of time and the most trying situations. Courtship is a chance to blossom in your common desire for God and learn to challenge each other to develop in faith.
Growing in biblical fellowship involves sharing with other Christians the most important aspect of our lives -- the reality of Jesus Christ and His work in us. It involved praying together as well as talking about what God is teaching us and showing us (Harris, pg. 88).
It is God's calling upon men to lead in biblical fellowship. Make an effort to discover how you can pray for one another. Also, make the time to discuss each other's personal revelations in your walk with God.
Ways to encourage fellowship together include; reading Christian books, discussing sermons after the service and how you are going to practice the presented issues.
Harris (pg. 88) quotes:
"Another part of fellowship is spurring each other on in righteousness. Nate, a young man from Great Britain, did this in his courtship with Claire by inviting her to point out any areas in his life. 'I would consistently ask if she saw any attitudes or behaviours that were offensive or dishonoring to her, others, or to God.' "
Protecting the fruit of Godly fellowship means growing in your desire and love for God, and not your emotional reliance upon one another. Your objective is to direct each other towards God. This is how all the ideas for shared fellowship are protected from abuse. It is inappropriate to use spiritual acitivities as a source for snatching more intimacy than is granted in the relationship.
Satan has a way of decieving us in things that are "spiritual" and seem appropriate, but are not. One area that is particularly sensitive is confessing sexual sins to each other. Accountability, in the right context, can be positive but NEVER should sexual sins be part of the picture. These intimate confessions could concieve paths that were NEVER intended to be traveled upon. When dealing with accountability in a sexual matter, one should be partnered with a member of the same sex.
Another precaution we must take is confirming that we are not trying to replace God in each other's lives. If your source of comfort, encouragement, and strength comes not from God, there is a major problem. Always maintain in your personal relationship with God that HE is your first and only source of true fulfillment before any other.
*Romance*
In this three ingredient mixture, romance has been left till last. Romance should only be an added ingredient when friendship and fellowship have well stirred.
The essence of pure romance is pursuit -- a man showing care, affection and sincere love for a woman and the woman responding in kind (Harris, pg. 89).
Romance is not the first focus in courtship, but it is still needed in the equation. Never think that "Christian courtship" means stale romance. These romantic feelings and pure non-intimate actions are an elemental part of this stage of courtship. "If God is confirming the wisdom and rightness of the relationship, romantic feelings should be seen as a good thing and as a gift from God" (Harris, pg. 89). Submission to God in feelings of affection and love is the aim for courtship, not to stifle them.
As leaders, men have the honour of being "...the initiators of romantic expression." Remember guys; it is not out of order to express genuine affection throughout the relationship (Romans 12:10). Such things as sending frequent e-mails to say that your partner is in your thoughts, or notes and cards with encouragement, or flowers. A woman's idea of romance is doing the small things that let her know that she is on a man's mind and in his heart.
If your courtship leads to marriage the romance doesn't stop there. These skills are meant to be carried thoughout the rest of your lives together. Romance keeps the joy and spark in a marriage because it is a reminder of each partner's qualities that were first embraced and loved. Most of all, it keeps appreciation for each other alive.
A safe guideline for the do's and don'ts of courtship is that "...we never want our romantic expression to promise more commitment than we would be ready to express in words." (Harris, pg. 90) Romantic expression should naturally grow as the confidence about the promise of marriage increases. The purpose of this guideline is to bring about realism and to enable honouring the other party involved. A man's expression should be appropriately serving his sister in Christ (honouring, guarding and encouraging).
In response to a man's romantic expression, ladies should respond appropriately as his expression increases. A ladies expression should match that of a mans, but careful not to override his expression. Harris (pg. 91)gives an example:
"As [Steve] picked up the pace romanticly, [Nicole] reciprocated. When Steve took a trip with some friends, she arranged little surprises and notes for each day of [Steve's] travel. First, [Nicole] baked his favourite brownies and had a flight attendant deliver them to him on the plane. Then when [Steve] arrived at the home where he was to stay, his favourite ice cream was waiting in the freezer....Steve and Nicole are growing in their romance at an appropriate time in their relationship and for the right reasons."
At the time when God plants a desire for marriage in a man's heart, this is when he can begin to actively pursue to capture a woman's heart. This pursuit is not wrong, as long as it honours God -- a man's intentions are pure. God created this wooing process to indicate a sign of life-long commitment.
Harris (pg. 91) speaks again:
"What does it mean to guard our hearts with regard to romance? In my relationship with Shannon, the principle that guided me was simple. Romance during our courtship needed to flow out of deepening commitment. I refused to stroke the fires of romantic zeal before I knew I wanted to marry her. Doing so might have led to short-term enjoyment, but it would have deeply hurt her eventually. Romantic passion awakened without commitment can lead to sin and regret (Song of Songs 2:7)."
A carefully guided example of this implementation is when to introduce the words "I love you." On many occasions, I have been burned with these precious words, meant to express great affection and commitment. Sometimes the most intimate expressions meant to be loving, are the most hurtful when expressed impatiently, and not in the best interest of the other person. The words "I love you" promise a level of commitment that assumes marriage. If God has not confirmed with you that you are to be married, limit your affections to actions and continue to pray for the appropriate timing of this particular expression. Consulting God on this issue is the best thing that you can do. He is the best judge and He reminds us not to act in foolishness. There is no firm rule on when to speak out "I love you" but the best way to ensure its deep meaning is to save it for a unique time in your relationship. Wisdom is the key.
The Excitement Presses On
Couples blossoming in the three areas of friendship, fellowship, and romance, are encouraged to still contemplate their roles as men and women, practice authentic communication, and follow through with a plan for sexual purity.
Some would say that it is unrealistic to be more than friends, less than lovers and to be wise in courtship, but I would have to disagree. When we are lead by the ideals of loving each other in a Christ-like manner and to wisely search out marriage it is possible to carry-out a life-long friendship and love affair in marriage.
Note: Chapter 5 of boymeetsgirl by Joshua Harris, has been adapted to suit the writer of this article. All other direct mentions of boymeetsgirl have been referenced to the original writer, Joshua Harris.
Note: All published blogs by Natalie M. Steele are protected
No comments:
Post a Comment