A Flashback To My Past, Encouragement of Growth

Well, I recently was looking through my e-mails and drafts, as I randomly do from time to time, and I found this poem. I would like to share it with you all.

Jackie O

I put my sunglasses on
So you can't see me cry.
I'm withering,
Shivering inside.
Thrown away the sheild of caution
for a sheild of pain.
I pray for Sunshine
to knock out the rain.

I'm exhausted,
I feel totally drained
But nothing lost,
is nothing gained.
I ride, I ride,
I ride all alone amongst
the crowd.
I'm afraid to be seen,
I'm afraid to shout.
Although not invisible,
you wouldn't believe
How I try, but fail,
to deceive.

I put my sunglasses on
to hide you from my eyes
From peering,
prying in my pride.
I am weary to be
vulnerable,
I feel I cannot take the risk.
Ask something personal,
my answer will be brisk.
Walking backwards down the
corridor.
I keep on wishing,
I once had something more.
The cost is high,
not what my life
can afford.

I put my sunglasses on,
so you can't see me escape.
You're talking and talking,
I'm backing away
So I can thwart your berate.
No one can love me
just the way I am
I must change,
re-arrange to belong
to a "perfect" man.
Something in my soul rings,
pull the bell of notice.
I ignore, I ignore,
I try to snore through this
but all darkness in the lenses,
cannot block the light.

Finally, but Finally,
After a matter of time...
I pull my sunglasses off
so you can see me cry.
I've wasted so much time,
there's nothing left to deny.
I'll show myself,
so you can see the truth.
I'm done with the mask,
done with the shade,
finished with the sherade.
Here I am,
All that I am.
Nothing more,
nothing less.
No Need for proof.


Natalie Steele 2004

Note: All blogs written and photographs taken by Natalie M. Steele are protected. Use of any pictures taken by NMS Photography, such as the above, without permission is seriously not recommended.

The Ups and Downs of Year 22

As always, it's been a while since my presence has been known on my blog. I suppose that means that God has been keeping me busy and that big changes are happening in my life. Each day that goes by this year, I feel significantly different. I also feel significantly in less control, with the reassurance that God is in more control of my life than I could ever be. At the same time, I realize that this very position of thought and being in my personal faith brings out very real insecurities that need to be squashed. Insecurities which place me in the thought pattern of being the victim. Mostly, my frailty comes from the root of being afraid to get hurt or allowing someone to manipulate me so that I trust them enough.In which case, I get hurt because I let myself down, I let myself fall into their trap. At times, I'm still weary of people's motives under the surface of what they appear to be saying or doing. This even encroaches upon relationships with people I dearly trust. All of this comes from my past history, which pops up here and there in my life when I don't expect it to. Sometimes we don't realize the sap-like residue of years past is still being stripped away from us. Perhaps restoration takes longer than I even thought. Although, I would have to say that I'm learning to take a stand for myself, to cut the ties when I see the warning sign. I don't deserve to be surrounded in a fish bowl of fear or victimization. I don't believe Jesus would promote that for my life. His life, death, and resurrection speak of freedom from all things that plague our hearts, minds and spirits due to our feeble sin nature as humans. He conquered Satan, as well as all the lies he tells. Amongst all of these realizations for myself is the nearing tangible knowledge of my humanity and how its vices require my humility. When I am least confident in my own ability that is when God becomes most confident and evident in my ability.

In the past few months, I have experienced varying degrees of depression. At my lowest point, I couldn't eat/had no appetite, no desire for things I have a passion for or even to look at them, a severe feeling of emotional exhaustion and utter sadness. One moment I could've been smiling, the next crying for no reason. In all of it, I had to remind myself that feelings are truly deceiving. What I was experiencing had its validity, but it did not have enough validity to merit control over my life. I've learned this year that I cannot be ashamed of what I am going through in my life. People will respond how they want to, but the important part is that I air everything out. It's not as important to them as it is my personal responsibility to do so. This process releases the burden. It reaches out to others. The reason why people feel so alone in desperate times is because they never come to full actualization (make what they are feeling real, acting upon it, and being realistic). This means that they never actualize themselves with others either, they wither on their own, hoping that someone will notice or read their minds. I don't think that the Christian community does enough sometimes to welcome the atmosphere of healing in vulnerability (within reasonable boundaries) to the hurting. Maybe we have a fear of what power it may provoke? Maybe we are afraid of what we may see in ourselves because of it? If that is the case, what are we afraid to expose that God doesn't already know?

I'm not exactly sure how to finish this off but to say that if there is one thing that I have learned to never doubt nor let the knowledge escape from me that God is ever-present and near in my life. He is my "right-hand man" (no pun intended). Which, is why Psalm 139 is very intimate and interactive in my daily life. My prayer is that my words have touched you in some way. May He keep you and bless you.

Sincerely,
Natalie M. Steele

Loss of Meaning?

Have you ever listened to a song so much on the radio that you get disgustingly annoyed with it? You are so digusted with hearing the extensive publicity of it that you totally ignore the meaning of the words. I'm talking about the real music that's not appreciated for it's true poetry, for it's simplistic, but powerful skill. Recently, I have experienced this in various ways amongst my life. Even to the point of catching my words painted with cycnicsm about this big box coporation, or that mass produced gadget, etc., etc. Our world is filled with tantalizing images and sounds that tempt our senses to be drawn in full throttle. As mentioned before, I have been feeling like I can't find my away back home again. So amongst my fustration and growing cynicism (help me God!), my mind has been screaming through the noise to ask what is most important, who is most important? How can I get to the bottom? How can I dig deeper and not be swallowed? Often times it's easier to be the mask of who you say you are than to actually be yourself. The trick is finding that place where you feel secure enough to do so without caring about the mass this and mass that. In a world that can swallow you up, are you allowing it to also mass produce you? Have you become a part of the animal? Where is the meaning and have we forgotten to stop to look up the words?

As the old year turns into the new one, I have grown weary of the complicated nature of the world around me. That also goes for the politics of what kind of Christian, Christians think I, or any other Christian "should" be. I have come to the conclusion that we all have the same core values in our faith with God, yet, different people learn, relate, and worship differently to each other and to their Saviour. There cannot be one set way of routine for every one to express their devotion. After all God made us in His own image. Think about how vast that is! Another issue is the area of conviction. Personally, I believe that drinking alcohol is bad for me because it leads me down dangerous paths. The smell of it, the look of it, the lure of it, drives me to think of it constantly, how I can bypass every one and everything I value in life to get it. I wouldn't care who I would hurt in the process. For another person, they also could be Christian and still take a respectful taste of alcohol every once and a while, yet it would not cross their personal convictions. There is no excuse for abuse of something, however, if you have examined in your heart your personal conviction about an issue that you face and lined it up accordingly with the Bible as well as with what the Holy Spirit is conveying to you in your heart about it, than there should be no problem. You cannot force your own convictions to be someone else's (this goes for witnessing as well). It will only end up in hardness and religiousity. I often wonder in this man made organization of the church, if Christ would be knocking over our temple tables? Would he be upset because we are mass producing a robot collective of Christian religion? One size fits all? How can God have a size if He is immeasurable in His power? He is a different God to different people. So if this is true, than are we putting him in a box in an attempt to produce Him in our lives? HOW TWISTED!

I am noticing that my generation of ministers [along with myself] are asking a lot of these questions. Secondly, they are desperately wanting a revolutionary change in the church in order to let Jesus and His people get down with their redeemed selves. Recognition has been given that youth in the following generations are far more experiential in their lives than ever and this is how, when they are given the chance/choice, they will relate to God. This is precisely why it is imperative for Christians to be uniquely transparent in their faith. First impressions last a life time no matter how many firsts are experienced together. Youth of today are dying to be provided with ways to make things in the world that are important relavent to them. Given them an open forum to do so. It's time to step up and challenge the normal so that we deserve the title of "Jesus Freaks."

God Bless,
Natalie M. Steele