Sometimes when there's an upheaval in your life, you seem to get on a path that was not intended. You get to a point where you wonder how you got there. You feel over your head. Some days you are pushing through instead of working through. Where's the peace? Where's the unity? Where's the place of restoration or refuge? You totally forget to depend on God and you realize that you've ben trying to do everything on your own. How can you find your way back home? To the place that you can be covered in grace.
I have just realized this fact in my own life and asked the question. I'm still not sure how to answer that question, except just to reach for God and hang on, while asking for constant guidance. I'll be the first to admitt that I fail more than succeed because of pride. I find that in this upheaval, I'm grieving for the things that were supposed to be and maybe what was lost. Don't get me wrong, I don't regret what has happened. You've always got to move onto something better. One thing I've tried to stop doing is trying on my own. Rather, I've stopped trying raise up the passions of faith that I desire and started praying for God to do that. This eliminates the guilt cycle (I've tried everything and yet failed you Lord! WHY?! I'm a bad Christian. I'm sorry God help me. Oops I've tried and failed again. Sorry God! I give up!) that many Christians get stuck in, eventually making them feel helpless to improve.
All of this situation reminds me of a vision I had. All around me were green feilds and in the middle ahead of me was an uphill cobble stone path. There were various sizes of stones and spaces in between them where the grass had organically peeked up. Some of the stones were smooth and others rough. I was wearing high heeled boots while trying to walk up this path. Because I am not skilled in walking in high heels I was having a difficult time walking with style. It was a blancing act. I had a choice to walk on the smooth stones that had been worn from others use or choose to walk upon the part of the path less traveled. A third choice would be to slip through the cracks to the green grass, where I would be stuck in the soft ground with my heels, but maybe a little more comfortable in complacency. At least I wouldn't have to go any further. But then I ask myself, what would I gain from this? Will this make me a better person for giving up?
This subject recalls in my mind a poignant conversation that my big brother and I had in the car one day. It was all about stepping stones; going through tough situations to establish stepping stones behind for others as well as carrying them with me. It doesn't mean leaving all the bad stuff behind for others to torture themselves with, but rather allowing your steps to smooth out the cobble stone path ahead (wisdom). At times things can seem to be an uphill battle with only a glimpse of the horizon. I'm all about going where no one that I know has gone. This can work for or against me. Nevertheless, I hate being a groupie, which is one reason why I make take the harder path, even just for the experience. (I'm stubborn too.) Christians (myself included) can find it easier to be a groupie of Christ because it makes it easier to hide underneath the mask of Christianity or Christianese culture. The hardest thing can be to find your own voice, how to walk on the cobblestones of your faith, FOR YOURSELF. This is especially hard for youth who come from a Christian family or a child of parents in ministry [but that's another issue].
So again, I ask...How can you find your way back home? I'd like to hear comments about this. So feel free.
God Bless,
Natalie M. Steele
Note: All blogs written and photographs taken by Natalie M. Steele are protected. Use of any pictures taken by NMS Photography, such as the above, without permission is seriously not reccommended
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