As many of you know, I spent two weeks in the Scottish Borders, Duns, Scotland in January of this year. Every time I visit the UK, I never come home (to Canada) the same. When I got off the plane in Amsterdam to catch my connection to Edinburgh, my nerves started jumping because I just wanted to get "home" (as I call it, because it is just like home). As we crossed the North Sea on the coast of Scotland, my heart started crying...HOME and my FAMILY! I was so glad to touch ground and even happier to see my big brother, Jonathan, meeting me inside the airport. I jumped in excitement into his arms to give him a big hug. I settled in, a couple days went by, and all was silent. If you spent some time with this family, you'd discover how unusual that is. All the while, my life in action was being observed by my big brother and his wife with the Holy's Spirit's knowledge and sensitivity. When the moment came, and the silence broke with confrontation, my arrogant notion that I was prepared to defend my actions was totally blown out of the water. I had no answers but excuses. I realized how much deception I had enabled myself with day to day through excuses. I didn't want to take ownership of my weaknesses nor my sin in them. This is what I wrote in my journal about it;
God,
I need you in m weaknesses now and always. I had overlooked areas in my life thinking I was above them but yet, I am so decieved by them. I have used your grace as an excuse to be above every one else and I'm so unbelieveably sorry for that. I have had false humility in my heart amongst sin. Just like last night driving in the Borders, no stars were seen, and the hills were barely recognized. This is an illustration of my heart and my life. There is so much beauty out there but it is hidden in darkness. You can't see it 'till daylight comes. I need more than a torch to light my way. I am struggling with rampant sin covering my heart and my mind. I need to stop shifting the blame on others or circumstances. I need to stop pulling out the innocent glances to manipulate people's reactions and to grow up to take responsibility for my actions as an ADULT. At the same time, I cannot allow myself the luxury of falling into my weaknesses because "God has already forgiven me"...
LORD, I have been kidding myself that I have come further than I had thought, that your grace exempts me from the things that every one else has trouble with. I have been thinking that I'm better than every one else in certain areas. I have been arrogant and prideful in my thinking. For this, I pray forgive me...
Your Child,
Natalie
1 Corinthians 5:7
" Cleanse out the old leaven that you may be a new lump, as you are already unleavened [by Christ]."
During this process of God stripping more layers away, I began to ask myself some key questions through an illustration that was offered to me. This illustration was of Christ being a river flowing in and out of us that is constantly refreshed and renewed. It also involved a puddle - stagnent water, dirt has settled, rubbish floating - nothing flowing in or out. Below are those key questions:
1) Who/what is your river instead of God?
2) Are you looking to someone to be the container of the river of God for you?
3) Issues - Are you planted in them? Are you feeding off of the stagnent water?
4) Enemies - Are you consumed by [an] enemies? By issues? By stumbling blocks? Negative behaviours?
5) Are you trying to succeed on your own strength and becoming dehydrated?
I realized that I was the stagnent puddle, that I would continue to be if I didn't begin to ask God to daily refresh me with awareness of my weaknesses. I also needed to actively recognize my responsibility to change my actions before I act.
I have used my own example not to give glory to myself, but rather to demonstrate what can happen in each of our lives (when we've turned our head the other way) when we have stumbling blocks. It is also to say that these stubling blocks can become stepping stones, if one chooses to make them so by pinpointing past compromises and crushing them with a new path. Ultimately, those stepping stones can assist you and the many others that follow behind.
Love in Christ,
Natalie M. Steele
"Sin and Satan presence in our lives is the poison that kills us. Jesus Christ is our only antidote." - Tara White
Note: All blogs written and photographs taken by Natalie M. Steele are protected. Use of any pictures taken by NMS Photography, such as the above, without permission is seriously not reccommended.
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