If We Are Not a Couple and Not JUST Friends...What Are WE?! (revised)

For this blog (and a series), I’m going to continue with my courtship slanted theme. As you might have noticed, boymeetsgirl by Joshua Harris, has had quite an influence on me most recently. I have made so many horrible mistakes in past relationships because I was so TOTALLY confused on the Christian perspective of dating and courtship [YES, there is a difference!]. The world at times clouds the clarity that Christ gives us, due to our ill knowledge of the real truth. Some might argue that this is an unfair statement, but when an individual grows up in such a climate that sexual sins are acceptable, what then is normal? These were the kind of questions that I started searcing for. As I reach my new decade in life, and as I start longing for the man of God's design, I increasingly also desire to know the heart of God when it comes to courtship. When the next time comes around, I want to be fulfilled by God first and know his will for me. I want to get it right, or at least say I did it honourably. With this, I’m going to leave you with a series of excerpts from boymeetsgirl by Joshua Harris (I recommend this book to everyone! It was a surprising help!), starting with Chapter 5, More Than Friends, Less Than Lovers.

Chapter 5
More Than Friends, Less Than Lovers

Correct Definitions

An important question to ask yourself before you begin seeking God's purpose for marriage is; what does a successful courtship mean? Most often, societal influences dictate that a successful courtship results in engagement and a happy wedding. Looking closer, this is a nonsensical notion.

Ideally, engagement is a good thing. Unfortunately, couples today often base their engagement entirely on emotions or fleeting passion, rather than on realistic facts and God-given foresight. Therefore, a courtship that results in a foolish engagement cannot be considered a success! Neither can a courtship that was filthy with haughtyness, devious management, and sexual sin be named a success, even if resulting in a happy engagement. If this is so, than how can a couples marriage improve without God's blessing in the beginning? This is a strong concern from the early stages of courtship through engagement to marriage.

Blossoming and Protecting

It is evident that our definition of success in courtship needs to be clarified. If engagement if not our final goal, what should be?

According to Joshua Harris, two central priorities must be established in a God-worshipping, carefully-guided courtship. "The first is to treat each other with holiness and sincerity; the second is to make an informed and wise decision about marriage. In courtship our goals should be to grow and guard. We want to grow closer so we can truly know each other’s character, but we also want to guard each other’s heart because the outcome of our relationship is still unknown. "

From the start of a courtship, each individual is uncertain of marriage. Part of this decision is made by spending time together, discovering interaction with each other, and observing one another's character. This is the meaning of growing closer without need for physically intimate interaction. Saying this, the motivating factor for treating each other with integrity should be the knowledge that the future is unknown, and in whatever circumstance, the outcome should be positive when reflected upon. If all parties were honored and treated well, regret will not be needed. Second Corinthians 1:12 is an example of what every Christian couple should be able to apply to the end of their courtship.

Now this is our boast: Our conscience testifies that we have conducted ourselves in the world, and especially in our relations with you, in the holiness and sincerity that are from God. We have done so not according to worldly wisdom but according to God’s grace.

Rather than defining engagement as the outcome of courtship, our ambition should be to treat each other with integrity, make the correct decision about marriage, and have peace about our behaviour. Harris reflects:

My Friend Leonard, a single man in his thirties was disappointed when Rita broke off their courtship. But because he had acted appropriately towards her, he had the peace that comes with clear conscience.

"Sure my pride was hurt,' Leonard says. "I asked myself ‘Why?’ and ‘What went wrong?’ many times. But consider our courtship a success because I was able to walk away from it praising God that I had served and honoured my sister in Christ. I treated her with the respect a child of God deserves. To the best of my ability, my motives, thought, words, and actions were in the right place.” (Harris, pg 84)

High Wire Act

The upkeep of priorities of blossoming and protecting make courtship a high-wire act. One move could with positively or negatively affect the courtship. Considering marriage is the sharp purpose of courtship, but one must resist the idea of expecting the outcome as marriage.

It reminds me of a high-wire circus act. Have you ever watched a performer traverse a wire a hundred feet in the air? If you have, you know that the secret to their safety is the balancing pole they carry. Holding it horizontally with both hands keeps the performer from losing balance and falling off the wire. (Harris, pg.84)

Courtship is a fine balnce between friendship and marriage. The two priorities, mentioned earlier by Harris, are at each end of the balancing pole. Each individual must help each other as a team to keep the pole in the middle, equal in balance. If this is done, two different scenarios will be prevented; 1) Too guarded--> stunted growth in relationship, 2) Too close, too fast --> emotional injury or foolish choices in the future.

There is a healthy tension you should desire to maintain. If marriage is in God's will for you, you won't need to protect your hearts -- you will be placed in each other's complete possession. There is no doubt that this time in your relationship will be greatly cherished, exhilarating, and blessed by God. BUT remember, the knowledge that God's will for your relationship is marriage, does not mean that all caution be thrown to the wind! In whatever circumstance in our lives, God requires integrity, NO EXCEPTIONS!

Harris (pg. 85) Quotes:

"I’ll never forget Valentine’s Day during my courtship with Shannon. How wonderfully awkward it was! On the holiday for lovers, I wasen’t sure how to address her. She was my friend, but then we were more than friends. So we were more than friends, but not quite lovers. I felt like I was back in the seventh grade agonizing over the meaning of the words on valentines! In a card I spent hours writing I asked, 'How do you guard a girl’s heart while attempting to tell her how special she is? Can you give her a rose as you thank her for her friendship?'

My questions captured the healthy tension of courtship. Can you give her a rose as you thank her for her friendship? It sounds funny, but I think you can. It’s part of the process of letting romance blossom slowly under a watchful eye of prudence and self-control. You’re more than friends, so you can determine whether you should join your lives in marriage, but you’re also less than loves – your hearts and bodies don’t yet belong to each other. "

Sit back and relax. Don't bussle through. Don't detest or hustle the middle time of courtship, even though you often feel the nagging tension. Instead, treasure the season. Balancing the necessity to blossom and protect during courtship is a fulfilling part of hiking towards "marriage wisely and with holiness and sincerity." (Harris, pg. 85)

For courtship to be a loud success and a joy, we need to blossom and protect in three areas: friendship, fellowship, and romance. Next, let's look at the healthy balance of each.

To Be Continued….Next Blog Up!

Note: Chapter 5 of boymeetsgirl by Joshua Harris, has been adapted to suit the writer of this article. All other direct mentions of boymeetsgirl have been referenced to the original writer, Joshua Harris.

Note: All published blogs by Natalie M. Steele are protected

For All That She's Meant to Be, God Called Her WOMAN

Most recently, while reading boymeetsgirl by Joshua Harris (all of you out there should have this book!), I have noticed how mixed up the ideas are about equality, even amongst Christians. I would like to share this tidbit with all of you. A female friend sent this to me and I thought that it outlined the perfect definition of God's idea of equality between the sexes.

" A Woman"
This is written in the Hebrew Talmud. This is the book where all the sayings and wise words of Rabbis are conserved over time.

It says:

" Be careful if you make a woman cry, because God counts her tears. The woman came out of man's rib. Not from his feet to be trampled on. Not from his head to be superior, but from his side to be equal. Under the arm to be protected, and next to the heart to be loved."

It is my prayer that Christian men recognize who they are, what role God has given to them, and learn to cherish it, as well as the woman around them like Christ would. It is my prayer for Christian woman that they to recognize who they are, what role God has given them, to understand that men are not the oppressors, and woman are NOT the victims. Our society in general has given a bad rep, and gravely misconcieved the Christian idea of equality. Although there are extremes, God is not involved in those, HUMANS are. I encourage all of you to involve God in the process of your discovery about what equality between the sexes means to you. Forget everything that the world has ever taught you about equality. Start with a fresh slate! God Bless you!

Note: All published blogs by Natalie M. Steele are protected

Blessed Are Those....Good Friends That Are A Rare Commodity

I know what you are thinking..."It's about time that you wrote a blog Natalie!!" Many changes have been happening in my life, and I've been learning to appreciate God's timing as well as His grace. I've also noticed that good friends are hard to come by. Don't get me wrong, I love mentoring my younger siblings in Christ, and I love the friends I have. It's just that sometimes I wish I could find more "real" and "genuine" people that can equally sharpen my iron and I theirs in every respect. At this point in my life, I am praying for those kind of friends whose mutual confidence and spitirual wisdom is reason for empowerment. I am praying for friends who stick with me, who hang with me, even in the most mundane situations. I love letting loose and having fun but I also enjoy my down time. When I am not loud, I am quite inward and deep. Really, anything goes for me (with discretion), as long as I am spending time with my dear friend(s). I'm not a person who entertains her "guests" for the sake of their enjoyment. I like to be me... Just the one and only Natalie without the frills to impress. I just want those around me to know that I have nothing to hide. All of my flaws are openly displayed in acknowledgement of my blatant imperfection. I just want people to know they can be the same way with me.

All of this mixture has brought some difficulty over the years. I have had great experiences with receptive people. I've also had bad experiences with people who thought it was rude of me not to go out of my way to impress them in a show of extravagance. Although, I believe that what I desire in a friendship is not wrong, I have doubted the validity of such desires. Many questions have gone through my mind, mostly pointing the finger back at myself. I wonder, "am I asking too much?", "am I pushing people to perform for my expectation of friendship, even if I don't intend to?", and "am I such an arrogant and prideful human that I have overlooked what is before me?" Sometimes I joke with myself that what I am asking for is actually the specifications of a husband (which I'd very much like!).

Before you get the feeling that I'm complaining about what I lack, I actually want to encourage you to step up to the plate to be a friend of God to others. WWJD is not a reminder limited to simply conviction of right or wrong. Whether you wear the bracelet or not, don't pull a WWJD stunt without showing the whole spectrum of His love to Christians, and non-Christians alike. Fo-shizlle my Christizzlles. A famous scripture that spells this out is spoken by Jesus.

" I command you to love each other in the same way I love you. And here is how to measure it - the greatest love is shown when people lay down their lives for their friends." John 15:12-13

Jesus was the ultimate example. He proved His friendship to us in the most extraordinary way, going above and beyond what we thought we were worth.

Another example of friendship is the story of David and Jonathan in 1 Samuel 23. They had an ordinary friendship but what set them apart in their relationship is that they had an extraordinary God right in the centre! Their friendship points out key affirmations of a friendship.

1. "I will be there for you in times of trouble"
- Jonathan had commitment to David in the face of adversity and possible death.
- He presented God as the answer to David's problems and NOT himself.

2. Are your friends stronger or weaker for the time that they spend with you?
- Jonathan and David consistently challenged eachother by making an environment of honor and accountability --> constant sharpening of each other.

3. "I will seek to be a source of emotional stability for you."
- Jonathan traveled a long distance, risking his life, to comfort David a time of trouble.

4. "I will be a self-afacing and loyal to you no matter what the cost."
-Loyalty means that two people help eachother grow up in God through their trials (Prov 18:24).
- A loyal friend will put aside their desires to recognize what God wants for YOU.

These examples can live outside the Bible through all of us. It's not so untangible that we can't step out of our own little world's and towards others. What's to loose besides pride and image? We don't need those anyway! And if you are worried that people will find out that you are not perfect, it's kind of too late! All the more reason to learn what "drawing upon Jesus" means (no art supplies included). For those of you who have stepped out, I am SOOO thankful. I applaud your servanthood. Won't you send some of that my way? LOL.

A friend being a friend in service to God will always be the best kind....Blessed are those good friends that are a rare commodity.


Note: All published blogs by Natalie M. Steele are protected